Cooking Steps

There are three sentences that make my balls crawl back up inside my body and bite down on my knuckles. ‘We need to talk’ is one of them. ‘You’ve been tagged on facebook’ being another. The third is ‘I know this great restaurant you’d love’.
I know restaurants. I’ve worked in restaurants. I was in fucking restaurants since the age of 15…at 3am in the fucking morning cleaning down. I was there (I’ll tell my grandkids)…covered in oil and spices with flecks of garnish in my eyebrows, thirty tickets on the line, covering three stations at once…screaming and shouting and throwing things like an idiot.
I made a waiter cry. Not a waitress. A waiter. Soft lad.
So I know my restaurants. And I know that if you really want me to go to your restaurant and like it, it needs to be the equivalent of British Masterchef. On crack. With unicorns. And strippers.
So I went and I waited 20 minutes for a glass of water, silently judging each and every waiter that wiped their hands on their uniforms in front of the customers…I’m not a diva (honest!) I’ve eaten in enough street restaurants to develop a kind of ‘salmonella-blindness’, but this was an upmarket place in the city center of Manchester. It was supposed to be posh…*sobs*, *falls to floor* …it was supposed to be posh….!
I ordered coriander beef and it was disappointing and crap. And £11. For a tiny plate of beef that was half cooked, half raw, smeared in sugary sauce and then ‘bukkaked’ with coriander leaves. £11. That’s almost half a blowjob in Manchester!
Went home and decided to make it myself. Made so much I had extra for a snack later on and lunch the next day. It was easy, it was delicious, it was tasty. We rock. Now you will too…

How To Rock:
Get some beef (the marbled stuff tastes so much better – the fat will melt and be tasty)
A bunch of coriander (stems an’ all)
One tablespoon of peppercorns
One handful of chopped up ginger
Two cloves of garlic
A lemon (I used a lime ‘cos I’m a badass)
Some beef dripping
Some salt and pepper

A handful of spring onions (scallions…*waves at the americans*)
Firstly slice up the beef into thin strips and marinate for a few hours in the lemon or lime juice with the cracked pepper corns, ginger and garlic, salt, pepper, coriander stems and spring onions.
Heat up a table spoon of dripping in the pan or wok, add the whole lot and fry on a high temperature, constantly turning the beef strips. Add the coriander leaves for the last few minutes and serve.
How bloody easy was that!?
Enjoy